Pitas & Perverts: Island of Death Review

Several images come to mind when I think about Greece.  Like gyros, hummus, feta cheese, pita bread, and, of course, a guy screwing a goat.  Yep.  A guy screwing a goat.  This whole bestiality business is a new phenomenon in my worldview.  Why?  Because I just witnessed a culturally debilitating film that goes by the name of Island of Death!

Written and directed by a fella named Nico Mastorakis (who later went on to make a few films staring Joe Estevez…brother of Martin Sheen, as well as a flick named Ninja Academy…yeah…Ninja Academy), Island of Death takes place on the Greek island Mykonos.  And lots of death occurs, so I guess the title is accurate in this regard.

Basically, Island of Death is a heartwarming tale about a psychopathic couple who enjoy “punishing perversion” in the name of God.  They also like to take many, many pictures of their murderous exploits, since, apparently, God is also a photography enthusiast.  The couple consists of Christopher (portrayed by actor Bob Behling, who has a bland, Greg Kinnear quality about him), and Celia (portrayed by Jane Ryall), who, despite their aversion to perversion, still feel the need to act out in perverse ways themselves.  How ironic!  And confusing!  And idiotic!  I can’t stop using exclamation marks!

Anyway, Celia and Greg Kinnear…er…I mean Chris, are being tracked down by a guy who looks like a cross between Shaft and Dolemite.  For reasons never explained, Chris calls up his Mom in London from a phonebooth on Mykonos and proceeds to bang Celia as his dear, dear Mother listens in.  Clearly, this scene reveals several things like; Christopher and Celia are crazy; In the 70’s, lots of cops in London look like blacksploitation characters; and I really miss phonebooths.

While this description makes the film sound like an intense cat-and-mouse thriller, nothing could be further from the truth.  Like most exploitation films, Island of Death is a mélange of salacious elements, devoid of any depth or suspense.  What it does have, though, is boobs aplenty, 70’s bush, and a few inventive deaths.  And, unlike most exploitation films, it also has a guy screwing a goat.

Here’s a more thorough breakdown of what the film contains: rape-happy hippies, a drag queen and his “bride” who looks like Lindsey Buckingham circa Fleetwood Mac’s Tusk, infidelity, racism, a heroin-addicted lesbian, a guy crucified on the floor, horrific folk songs that are wildly out of place, pissing on a horny octogenarian, dick biting, decapitation via bulldozer, and an uncomfortable cameo by writer/director Nico Mastorakis, who looks unnervingly like Maurice Gibb from the Bee Gees.  And, once again, it features a scene where a guy screws a goat.

Inspired by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Island of Death was made by writer/director Nico Mastorakis with the sole purpose of turning a profit.  He has even insinuated that the film has no artistic merit and has wondered why anybody would even want to watch it in the first place.  Way to sell the movie, Nick!  Despite my snide jokes, it is refreshing to hear a director talk honestly about his work.  What makes it even more refreshing is that I completely agree with him.  Island of Death is devoid of artistic expression and I have no idea why I watched it!  Maybe because I wanted to see a guy screw a goat!

Here are some other observations from the film:

-Nobody in Greece walks the streets or leaves their home once evening strikes.  And everybody leaves their doors open and/or unlocked at all times of the day and night.

-Cops who work in London and who look like Shaft and Dolemite know how to fly planes.  You know who else knows how to fly planes?  Psychopaths who look like Greg Kinnear.

-I’m not positive, but I think the lead singer of the 80’s one-hit-wonder band Dexy’s Midnight Runners (who did “Come on Eileen”) shows up at the end of the film and butt rapes Greg Kinnear…er…Chris.

-Not all hippies believe in “flower power.”  Some believe in attacking women while they bathe in the bathtub.

-You know a good way to incapacitate an unruly hippie?  Impale him with a speargun and flush his head down a toilet!

-If you do not have the budget for a stuntman, don’t bother shooting a scene where a guy hangs from the side of a plane.  And if you do not have the budget for a stuntman and still feel the need to shoot a scene with a guy hanging from the side of a plane, please, for the love of God, get a better looking mannequin!

-I never want to go to Greece.


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