Dwarves are People Too...Sinful People!
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Since embarking on this dark intergalactic journey to the far corners of the universe with my trusty trashmen brethren, I have become obsessed with locating discarded films in the flotsom and jetsom. Delving deep into the recesses of the weird and the wild; of the bizarre and off-the-wall; of the horrific and the hilarious…these are my musings on films that I have obtained from all my space travels. Films birthed from the depraved and the misguided. Films that, once seen, cannot be unseen. Films like The Sinful Dwarf!
The Sinful Dwarf stars diminutive “actor” Torben Bille as “Olaf,” the…uh…sinful dwarf. And just how sinful is he? Well, he likes to drug adolescent girls (or girl’s in their 20’s who enjoy playing hopscotch…alone), strip them down, throw ‘em in a dank attic, and then pimp them out to horny guys with bad fashion-sense! He also likes to play with stuffed animals and put wind-up toys in compromising positions. Whether or not this is sinful depends on your perspective. Anyway, before plopping this unpolished turd into the ship’s DVD player, I was intrigued by the title. You see, there are very few word combinations that make me stand up and take notice. A few of them would include “angry bum” and “demented midget.” Well, now I can add “sinful dwarf” to the list.
The film begins with the aforementioned dwarf luring a girl into his home with help of a wind-up toy poodle. Strangely enough, this scene rings true for me because I once got into a van with a dude who let me play with his Pikachu. I’ll never go to that park again! Anyway, the dwarf’s house has several rooms for rent (his insane Mother, who looks like Lucille Ball if she smoked crack, runs the place), and a clueless, out-of-work writer named Peter, along with his equally clueless wife Mary, end up renting out one of these rooms. Something tells me the ad for this room failed to mention anything about a sinful dwarf.
So, these two mildly retarded folks start to “get it on” in a scene that, for some reason or another, tends to exclusively focus on both their asses. While they thrust and jiggle for the camera, the sinful dwarf pulls a Norman Bates and stares at them through a secret peephole in the wall. By the way, did I mention that the sinful dwarf looks like Jack Black? Only more compact? So yeah, imagine a compressed Jack Black getting turned on and laughing maniacally while making “bug-eyes” and speaking in a Danish accent and you’ll get a good idea of just how disturbing this scene…and this movie, is. The sinful dwarf also stomps around the decrepit house with a cane (this cane comes in handy later on in the film, when he uses it to violate Mary). I don’t know about you, but if I saw a limping midget who looked like Jack Black comin’ at me with a cane, I would probably ask for my deposit back and then torch the fucking lease with my lighter.
Before the new tenants begin catching on that something is askew in this house of horrors, we are subjected to prolonged cabaret interludes (acted out by the Lucille Ball lookalike), as well as nearly-hardcore sex scenes that mix strange, avant-garde musical cues with Steppenwolf-like rock songs, followed by sweet flutes reminiscent of Jethro Tull. At several moments during this insanity I actually punched myself in the face, thinking that I was maybe dreaming or something.
Unfortunately, I was not.
Sleazy and depraved, The Sinful Dwarf somehow manages to fit rape, heroin addiction, and a Carmen Miranda cabaret routine all within its unholy running time. There is also a man named “Santa Claus” who stuffs drugs into toys…and he actually looks like Santa Claus! I’ll never think of Christmas the same way again. Thanks The Sinful Dwarf, you just ruined my favorite holiday!
Will the idiotic couple discover the nude sex slaves in the attic? Will the clueless writer continue to leave his wife alone in the house? Will the equally clueless wife choose to never leave their room…except to go into the attic? Will the equally clueless wife, at one point, say she’s going to go to the police…only to change her clothes and go back into the attic? Will Gabe get fed up by this inanity and turn the film off, then go to the liquor store and drink himself sick?
Somehow, I was simultaneously bored, aroused, confused, and disgusted by this film. I also laughed frequently, mainly because of the awful acting by the titular character. You know, the sinful dwarf? Actually, maybe this tiny Jack Black fella was a brilliant actor. Truth be told, I just can’t tell. However, according to my sources on Earth, I did learn that Mr. Bille was, at one time or another, on a popular children’s show in Denmark. Just thinking about this sweaty, snarling dwarf interacting with kids makes my skin crawl. Anyway, despite the gaping logic holes and the laughable sets (you know The Sinful Dwarf is low budget when it seems like the rooms only have three walls), I found the ending to be miraculous. If any of you are not into reading SPOILERS, then AVERT YOUR EYES NOW!
Okay, for everyone brave enough to stick around, at the end of the film the sinful dwarf decides to commit suicide by jumping off the roof. Oh, I get it! Suicide is a sin! Man, this movie is deep. Anyway, while this is not miraculous in and of itself, the scene is brilliant because there is no stunt midget standing in for Mr. Bille. No, for some reason (I’m guessing budget limitations), the sinful dwarf , once he’s about to take a nosedive off the roof, is replaced by a stiff dummy. Or small mannequin. Or maybe it is a stunt midget. A stunt midget with rigor mortis. Well, whatever it is, it looks fucking ridiculous. And get this, once the sinful dwarf hits the pavement, he is joined by his wind-up poodle, who walks over to his lifeless, tiny body. What the fuck?!!!
END SPOILERS.
After watching The Sinful Dwarf, I felt used, abused, dirty, and oddly enough, I craved Keebler Elves Cookies.
Damn you sinful dwarf!
-Gabe
End transmission…
Check out the mind-blowing ending! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0if90XQFF4