Dwarves Are Agents Too...Secret Agents!
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Not many films ever reach the level of greatness that For Y’ur Height Only achieves (with the exception of The Godfather and maybe Good Burger). An unbelievable James Bond spoof/rip-off whose whole reason for existence is due to the ridiculous stature of its main star, Weng Weng, For Y’ur Height Only exploits the “attributes” of its lead actor to stunning effect. Weng Weng is a pint-sized Filipino anomaly/martial-arts genius who is roughly the size of my pinkie finger. Blank-faced and nearly expressionless for most of the film; the thimble-sized Weng Weng exhibits all the charisma of a wrinkled penis (which is apropos, since he physically resembles one). However, despite his lack of charm and difficulty emoting anything other than sporadic bursts of happiness (I think it was happiness; after all, he did occasionally smile in the movie); Weng Weng is nonetheless a compelling onscreen presence. My guess is that this is due to the fact that he is the size of a garden gnome.
In For Y’ur Height Only, Weng Weng portrays Agent 00; a slick, diminutive special agent who has a propensity for kicking bad guys in the balls and running in-between people’s legs. He is able to pull off these acrobatic stunts because he is only 2 feet 9 inches tall (supposedly making him the smallest person to ever be a lead actor in a film). I’m not exactly sure what the plot of the movie is (it has something to do with a nefarious villain named “Mr. Giant” who holds a prominent Doctor captive on a hidden island that is literally called “Hidden Island,” and the obstacles that Agent 00 has to overcome to track the Doctor down…like climbing over two-foot-tall fences or jumping off curbs). Quite frankly, I’ve had acid trips with more plot and character development than this film. But who cares about this kind of shit anyway? For Y’ur Height Only has a midget kicking bad guys in the balls!
Anywho, this film is remarkable for other reasons beyond the obvious comical possibilities afforded by watching a kung fu munchkin slam his tiny feet into nuts. For instance, I particularly loved how Agent 00 never, at any point during the film, felt the need to conceal his identity. Mind you, he is a SECRET AGENT. Granted, Weng Weng is so small he could scuttle behind a pebble in the road and not be spotted; but he brazenly visits bars and disco clubs in the same two block radius that all of the bad guys frequent. You would think if you were in Agent 00’s tiny, tiny shoes, that you would consider venturing beyond these two blocks, to, you know, avoid being seen. But no, Agent 00, despite having every bad guy in town looking for him (once again, the town is only two blocks long!), decides to just walk around as if he’s a normal person. But he’s a SECRET AGENT! And a MIDGET! Wearing a WHITE TUXEDO! He kind of stands out.
Also interesting is the bizarre dubbing. I could not figure out if the myriad of accents was deliberate (most of the actors are Filipino, yet they talk with American and British accents, which is understandable from an English-language point of view, but why do some characters speak like Edward G. Robinson or enunciate in exaggerated jive-talk?). On top of this, there are numerous jokes based on Weng Weng’s height (not just visual puns, but actual dialogue); as well as self-aware comments made by characters that had me questioning whether or not somebody down the distribution line decided to dub in their own crazy dialogue. Was any of this shit in the original script? Or is For Y’ur Height Only a What’s Up Tiger Lily? Or Kung Pow: Enter the Fist-type of experiment?
Regardless, I found the film funny because of these odd choices. Whether or not they were intentional is beside the point. And Weng Weng is so fucking adorable that I just wanted to pick him up and put him on my dashboard, so that should count for something.
Anyway, here are some short (get it? It’s a pun!) observations from the film:
-Weng Weng has the biggest areolas I have ever seen on a man. The areola-to-skin ratio on this li’l guy would cause a mathematician’s head to explode.
-Weng Weng does that whole “John Woo, slide-on-the-back while shooting guns” move. Many times. But Weng Weng is significantly smaller than Chow Yun Fat. And once he gets sliding, the li’l bastard can cover a lot of ground. Cause he’s a midget.
-Apparently, bad guys in the Philippines who protect “hidden islands” are required to dress like guardian angels.
-If you’re not a crime kingpin or a diabolical villain; you’re “hideout” will be a hotel room. This means if you operate a secret agency or are a secret agent, if you are a henchman, a sex-slave, or any other character in this fucking movie; chances are you will all live in the same hotel. This is a great way to save money while budgeting a film, since you only need to redress one location over and over again. You know what also saves money? Shooting most of a movie in the same two block radius.
-Throwing a midget is a great defensive move if you’re being attacked by a group of thugs.
-You do not want to get hit by Weng Weng’s oh-so-tiny fists. He will not let up until you are either knocked out or slapped unconscious.
-If you put two midgets in a room together and one of them is taller than the other one; will the smaller midget technically be “dwarfed” by the bigger one? I think this terminology would be correct.
-If there is a scene involving the use of a jetpack, please make sure to eliminate the string attached to it, so as to properly create the illusion of flight.
-You know what also saves money on a film? Ripping off the James Bond theme, note-for-note, and replaying it ad-nauseam throughout every scene.
For Y’ur Height Only proves that a little goes a long way. A long way to greatness that is! Already an iconic figure in the Philippines, Weng Weng deserves to be an icon in America. Watch the movie now!
-Gabe
End transmission…
Gaze upon the glorious Weng Weng rap.