Gabe’s Bargain Bin of Shame: Killjoy Review

I rarely buy anything.  Every now and again I’ll splurge for a nice bottle of whiskey, or I’ll go have my pubic mound “bedazzled.”  But, for the most part, I am one frugal son of a bitch.  This is mainly because I find most goods and services wildly overpriced.  Plus, ever since my intricate and lucrative “groin pull” scam quit working (I’d purposefully con people into pulling my groin, then sue them for damages), I’ve been fervently counting every penny.  And every nickel.  But not every dime.

I fucking hate dimes!

Anywho, in my eternal quest to locate affordable entertainment, I’ve been scavenging the unholy “bargain bins” in my local haberdasheries for items that are not too horrific or emotionally scarring.  You know what these bins are, right?  They’re commonly filled with low-priced delectables like old Kool and the Gang 8-Track tapes and Pez dispensers of obscure Dick Tracy villains (like the nefarious “Penis-Nose Thompson,” or, my favorite, the evil “Testicle-Cheek Malone”).

Lately, after I’m finished crying in my bathtub (due to my “extreme exfoliating”), I head to the nearest Wal-Mart and scour their bins for a treat for myself.  It’s also a treat gawking at the monstrous and fleshy men and women who shuffle across the fetid aisles like obese, spongy, and stinky zombies; all blank-faced and whatnot.  It’s an awesome night out!

So, without further ado, here is my first review of a bargain-bin find; the 72 minute-long endurance test…Killjoy!

What is it?

A DVD “movie.”

What did it cost?

Two pennies and some belly lint.  Oh yeah, and my dignity.

Where was it purchased?

Haggled with a hobo in an alleyway who was mistakenly using the movie as a hotplate.

How was it?

Have you ever been stabbed in the pancreas with a sharpened broom handle?  Sure you have!  I can only imagine that it would be slightly more enjoyable than sitting through this slimy turd of a flick.

And have you ever wondered what it would be like to see the movie Boyz in the Hood dry hump a Juggalo?  Well, today’s your lucky day, jerkass!

Killjoy is the surprisingly untrue tale of Michael, a teenager (who looks like he’s in this mid-30’s), who is constantly trying to win the affection of his schoolmate Jada (who is sporadically referred to as “Gina” throughout the movie).  Of course, Jada is the girlfriend of fellow “teen” Lorenzo (who looks to be in his mid-40’s).  Apparently, Lorenzo is in a gang, which is evidenced by his two…count ‘em, two, gang buddies.  To hammer this point home, there is a brilliant scene where they smoke blunts, drink forties, and freestyle rap.  It’s like watching Menace 2 Society, but without the good writing, awesome acting, and incredible direction!

Anyway, since Michael is an annoying prick who won’t leave Lorenzo’s girl alone, Lorenzo and his buddies justifiably beat the ever-loving crap out of him.  Of course, Michael does what any of us would do in retaliation; he lights a bunch of candles in his empty bedroom and screams “Come alive Killjoy!  Come alive!” to a chewed-up clown doll.

Then Lorenzo mistakenly kills Michael with a gun that is supposed to be unloaded.

Flash-forward a year later and Jada (Gina?) is hooking up with a guy who kind of looks like Tyrese, but Lorenzo still has his hooks in Jada, which is of great concern to the faux-Tyrese.  Why is Lorenzo still in her life?  Mainly because she gave up her virginity to him.  Seems like a valid reason to keep hanging out with a homicidal maniac to me!

As expected, Michael’s black magic ritual finally brings Killjoy to life (it took a whole fucking year for this to work!), who exacts revenge on all seven cast members.  He accomplishes this by yanking them into his magical ice cream truck, which miraculously transports them to Killjoy’s hideout.  It’s like when Freddy Krueger drags his victims to his boiler room, only without all the suspense, great set decoration, or grasp of anything coherent.

Did I mention that Killjoy is a clown with a hammerhead-shaped afro?  He’s what would happen if Ronald McDonald ever decided to drop this hamburger bullshit and become a pimp. 

Oh yeah, there’s also a magical bum in the movie who is credited as “Homeless Man,” but who should’ve been more accurately credited as “The Magical Bum Who Explains the Whole Movie to All of the 40-Year Old ‘Teens.’”  It’s pretty amazing how inept, clumsy, and confusing this movie is, especially considering its short running time and its complete absence of plot.  And what’s really pathetic is that this magical bum spends about five minutes detailing Killjoy’s motives and why everything is happening…and it still doesn’t make any fucking sense! 

And trust me, I’m well aware that bums have very specific sets of skills and talents, but is precognition one of them?  I think not, sir! 

Anyway, Killjoy kills everybody in boring and ludicrous ways (he plows one guy into a wall with his ice cream truck, even though it’s clearly evident that the truck is not moving and the guy is not physically hit by anything…the camera just zooms into his face as he flinches), and the 40 year-old teens need to find a way to destroy him.

And all of this is accomplished with about four different sets, absolutely no background extras (the street scenes are completely devoid of traffic and pedestrians), and nonstop background music that veers between vaguely hip-hop-esque beats to lush, Yanni-like soundscapes.

The special effects are atrocious, the one liners made me want to punch my balls, and the confusing editing and camera placement gave me herpes.  And a rash.  Seriously, there are shots that fail to establish what is going on.  How is that possible?  At one point, I thought there were two Killjoys’ in the film, but then I realized it was just crappy editing.

Killjoy comes close to being the only film whose title perfectly summarizes my feelings after viewing it (the other film would be Mr. Popper’s Penguins).  But, if I were to be honest, a more accurate name for the movie would be Sodomizing Happiness.

Clearly, the end of days are upon us because there are sequels to this atrocity.  Three of them, to be exact.  The fourth film hasn’t been released yet, but I’ve already started to stock my bomb shelter with old 8-Tracks and mountains of Pez.

Buyer beware!

P.S.  There’s a “Midnight Horror Collection” DVD that includes the first three films of this series.  I have heard that they get progressively better…but that’s like trading in a car with two tires for a car with three tires. 

P.P.S.  Famed straight-to-video producer/director/writer/schlockmeister Charles Band had a hand in this production.  He’s the genius who brought us the glorious Demonic Toys and the classic Dollman.  He also brought us the gloriously classic Dollman vs. Demonic Toys.  And now I will utter words that have never been uttered before (every article I write is spoken to a secretary who transcribes my insane ramblings)…Killjoy is no Dollman!